Seriously subpar superheroes
QUESTION | Dear ed, I'm a 12-year-old kid who enjoys reading comic books, but I have to admit that all these superheroes really have lowered my self-esteem! I know they're supposed to be role models, but "bending steel bars," "leaping tall buildings" ... who can live up to this standard? I'm depressed. How can I deal with this?
Ryan Stunky
Trenton, NJ
ed SPEAKS | Dear Ryan, first of all, New Jersey has never been exactly a CURE for depression, but geographics aside, I'll give this one a shot. You, my friend, are in luck. Rumor has it that the major comics distributors are almost set to release a line featuring superheroes so seriously subpar that you can't help but walk away feeling pretty darn good about yourself. Here's a preview:
1) Mediocre Man: Able to pull a "C" average without too much effort, really mild-mannered college student Curtis Bland is bent on pretty much drifting through life. His powers include mowing the lawn and forgetting to bag the grass clippings, and doing a Nicholson impression that is just OK.
2) The Retentive Warrior: By day he's stiff-necked accountant Dewey Dessimal, but by night ... well ... he's pretty much the same. He does, however, have somewhat of a dark side, having been arrested twice for "Breaking and Entering With Intent to Sort and Alphabetize."
3) The Great Nasalini: Despite the exciting boldness and flash of his sequined cape and Speedo, Nasalini's only standout attribute is his ability to make a really high-pitched whistling sound come out of his left nostril. It's REALLY annoying, and it attracts dogs.
I don't know about you, Ryan, but I'm already feeling like a stud-boy, macho genius.
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