My parents are always embarrassing me. Help!
QUESTION | Dear ed, I'm 15 and my parents are always embarrassing me. My dad makes stupid little jokes (which aren't funny) when my friends are around all the time. And I doubt he'll let me even drive the car next year. Help!
Tim Jacobsen
Tallahasee, FL
ed SPEAKS | Dear Tim, when I turned 16, my dad announced that he had bought me a car. Well, I was ecstatic -- until I found out he had purchased an old delivery station wagon from the now-defunct Cluck Bucket restaurant.
You want to talk about embarrassing? This thing had actual feathers stapled to the door and a GIANT terrifying chicken head sticking up off the roof. It was enough to make those hatted Napa Auto Parts cars look like the epitome of cool.
You think it's tough getting dates with a face full of acne? Try that in addition to driving the Leering Poultry Head Vehicle of Self-Imposed Ostracism. Women ran away screaming within a 3 mile radius of that thing.
And even on the incredibly rare occasions when I was able to bribe some girl into going out, my mobility was extremely restricted. The towering head exceeded the clearance of most power lines and highway overpasses. And let me tell you, just going to the Safeway and back does NOT impress the chicks, head-car or no head-car.
In time, though, I made it work for me. Once I rigged a loudspeaker system in the head, connected to a microphone in the cab. Then I'd drive to the ritzier parts of town where the low walls and fences at the edge of the lawns would block my car from view -- so from the houses it would look like just a big chicken head floating down the street. Then I'd say into the mic:
"WOO! WOO! I'M A BIG CHICKEN HEAD! WOOOOO!"
Man, that was so great.
But anyway, Tim, what about YOU embarrassing your PARENTS? I heard about your C- in Wood Shop. I knew a chimp who could make a better spice rack.
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