How to avoid inane conversations on a plane
QUESTION | Dear ed, I can't stand it when the person sitting next to me on an airplane insists on engaging me in inane conversation. Even politely declining or feigning sleep doesn't always work. Help! I'm ready for drastic action.
Pete Mulgrew
Spokane, WA
ed SPEAKS | Dear Pete, this is tough. On a plane your mobility is slight, and any useful props you might need are stored away in the overhead compartment. Discouraging the chatty neighbor calls for quick improvisational skills. Here are some suggestions:
1) A good opening tactic: When the guy is in the middle of telling you about the amazing wood shop skills of his son Teddy, loudly interrupt him with a game of "I Got Your Nose."
2) While he's chatting away, ask a passing flight attendant if it would be OK if you could go to the back of the plane where that mini-oven is and stick your head in it.
3) An effective preemptive strike: As soon as the guy begins to sit down yell, "YAHHHHHH! YOU'RE SQUASHING MY INVISIBLE FRIEND!"
4) OK, you need a prop for this one: Remove the 8X10 glossy of John Tesh from your backpack, hold it in your lap, and through choked sobs say, "Soon, John ... very soon ... we will finally be together."
5) While he's showing you pictures of his family, take out a small piece of paper, label it "EJECTOR SEAT," and tape it next to the button that makes his seat lean back. Press it repeatedly, showing visible consternation when it doesn't work. Ring the flight attendant for help.
Pete, you should, however, take my advice with a grain of salt. I haven't been allowed on a major airline since the "Barf Bag Puppet" incident of 1981.
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